My first STD was from a foam party
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
