I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
