No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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