sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
