Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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