you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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