i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
