i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
