Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
