omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
