I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
