I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
