Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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