But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The Olympian is in my bed
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
