Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
