she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
