Don't make out with my wife yet
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
