Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
