Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
