Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We are two peas in an std pod
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
