The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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