need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
