Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
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I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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