remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
