the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
