why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Text me some of your sweat
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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