The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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