I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
