i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
