This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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