someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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