I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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