No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
