taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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