Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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