Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You have to summon your inner elephant
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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