she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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