I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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