listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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