she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
