my mouth tastes like poor choices
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
