you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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