The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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