it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
