Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
