So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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