Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
