It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
