im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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