you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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