I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
