my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize