Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
