mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Naked. naked and bneed help.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
