Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
