I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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