Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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